


You do not simply deliver pizza to Mordor

by Keenir



Category: Chaos (2011), Lord of the Rings (2001 2002 2003)
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-28
Updated: 2011-05-28
Packaged: 2017-10-19 20:37:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/204956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keenir/pseuds/Keenir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>pretty much PWP.  and crack.  lots of crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You do not simply deliver pizza to Mordor

"Happy now, Martinez?" Dorset asked. "Didn't we tell you it was a bad idea to ask 'what is the worst place the Director could possibly send us?' whether we are inside of or outside of Langely?" as the team showed their IDs to the guards.

"In the new guy's defense," Casey said. "We _have_ gotten out of North Korea, China, and places on the map even Higgins' aide needs an aide to find."

"I don't like this," Billy said nervously as the ornate doors opened and the four CIA Men were led into the room to take their seats around the - "God," Collins groaned under his breath.

"You do not simply walk into Mordor," one Man was already saying. "There is an evil there and it does not sleep."

*******

"Pizza Delivery," Martinez translated what he had just said, this time for the team as the gates of - well, the Black Gate (no other name, amazingly, even though even the valley they just passed, had four names in three languages) were opening before their eyes.

"Was that - ?" Dorset asked.

"Mangled Welsh," Billy said.

"Black Speech," Martinez said.

"Don't let Faye hear you talk like that. She'll slap you into your shoes, and she'll be using moves I don't know counters to," Casey said.

Martinez was dumbfounded. "That was...humor."

"The first part was. That and a warning."

"The rest is true," Dorset said as the doors were open fully, and the team saw how the place was filled with orcs and goblins and things they weren't sure the names of, because how the hell did Tolkein get clearance to this, anyhow?

"Pizza?" one little ork asked tremulously, or as tremulously as a creature twisted by Sauron into an agent of war and death and destruction could be.

Billy sighed. "That's right, wee one. Yummy pizza, fresh from the ovens."

As though on cue, the Great Eye of Sauron flared larger than ever, and Billy and the team could feel it scouring them.

"I've enjoyed it more when it was a drunk pickpocket rifling through my pockets," Dorset said once Sauron was done.

 _ **PIZZA**_ they could feel Sauron declaring.

"Does he sound...happy?" Martinez asked.

"I don't know, I'm out of practice with the emotional content of gods who talk in my brain," Casey said.

But the next emination from Sauron was far from pleased: _**WHO ORDERED THIS?**_ he demanded of his minions.

Even the most massive of the fighters in Sauron's army cowered and attempted to hide under a stone.

Finally, one gremlin-looking chap pointed at an orc soldier and yelled "He did it!"

"Ready to run?" Billy asked the team.

There was no questioning, no interrogation - at least none the boys felt, which meant that Sauron, if he was probing, was a touch more precise than last time.

 _ **APPROVAL. YOU ARE PROMOTED TO GENERAL.**_ A pause, then _**TOMORROW. NOW, CELEBRATE.**_

"That guy, I don't think we'll be able to turn," Martinez said to his teammates. "The guy who accused him, maybe."

"You're learning, kid," Dorsett said. "Though maybe if we bribed him with...hookers? gay bar? orgy island?"

"I don't even know if a petting zoo would be sufficient," Billy said.

Then Sauron turned his mind back to the team. _**BRING ME PIZZA!**_

"God, he want the bill too?" Dorset asked his friends.

 _  
**?**   
_

"Um..." Martinez said. "A bill is a sheet of paper that tells how much something cost. Manufacturing, materials, all that and more factors into the total."

Picking up where he thought Martinez was going with this, Casey then said, "With as much pizza as your army's going to be eating, any other kingdom would be bankrupt just trying to pay for it all. For you, this is pocket change."

Billy leaned in and asked quietly in Casey's ear, "Is it insulting to say 'pocket change' to a a firey eye that's got to have the worst trouser measurement in ever?"

Pleased, Sauron said, _**COME FORTH. NOW**_

The implied 'or else' need not be added.

"Anybody else thinking about how much we need a new escape plan?" Billy asked quietly as the four of them were guided across the safest paths to Mount Doom. Behind them, the gates were closed and re-locked.

"We're okay," Martinez said.

"Mr. Optimist," Casey remarked.

"Don't you dare say 'what's the worst that could happen?'" Dorset told Martinez.

"You just did."

Everyone of the four groaned.

**Author's Note:**

> Note: I kept jumping between whether this was crossed with CHAOS or COVERT AFFAIRS, but then when everyone was having pizza, Annie accidentally mentioned the words "kegger" and everyone looked at her, Auggie asked her "Did you just say in earshot of the two largest armies in Middle Earth, the possibility of getting drunk?" and everyone happily roared "DRINK!", and Annie tried to back out by saying its a fraternal thing, whereupon Eowen took offense ("can not a woman be drunk?"), and then there was the fight.  
> CHAOS is safer.


End file.
